Well…good morning and Happy Birthday to my new little one! Right now it is 3:48 am in the morning and I am sitting in the kitchen of our little house that we rent in West Point, Utah listening to the sink drip of the 100 year old pipes and completely excited about getting to meet you for the first time today!
Yep, today is your official first birthday. Today is the day you get to come into the world. I can’t imagine what you must be thinking. I am sure its somewhere around “Hey ma, why haven’t we had our regular 2 am PB&J with milk yet?” That one I can’t do anything about either…doctor’s orders—no food after midnight. Very soon, your dad and I will be heading to the hospital for a planned C-Section and we will bring you into this amazing world. He is super excited as well. In fact, as nervous as we both are, I don’t think I have ever seen him happier. It makes my heart warm to see him smile when he lets loose and talks about it. It almost beams from him without him even knowing it.
I have to tell you, I don’t really know what to think about today. I am really in the present moment right now (writing you a letting for you to read in the future still counts as staying in the present moment…I think…ha ha!) just curious about everything you will be and everything today will end up being.
Your big sister is hopefully sleeping. She is at your Aunt Laura’s and so dang excited about you coming into the world, into her world, you couldn’t even imagine. Every time we tell that little 5 year old, she practically bounces off the wall with excitement.
I think the only word to explain what I am feeing is this calm and peaceful amazement at what life can do when you surrender to its beauty. I have gone through a transformation since I met your dad. One that I believe will lead me to many more places. But the thing I think has been of the utmost amazement is the fact that I am about to have a baby with him. I am about to bring YOU into the world and that was always a dream of mine. Lilli Bug came in her perfect time and everything about her coming here was absolutely the way it should be. I know that in the deepest part of me. However, I always dreamed of a day when I would get to share this moment with someone that I truly love. Your dad is that man.
In addition, I feel like my level of fear is so much less this time. Lilli taught me then and continues to teach me every day how beautiful life can be, once again, when you truly just be in the moment and let go. I feel like everything her and I went through on our own prepared me to be so much more relaxed with you. With that said, you…just being in my womb have already taught me a deeper level of letting go than I have ever known as well. Especially since we don’t know if you are a BOY or a GIRL!
I also know that I am going to miss being pregnant with you. Even though there are times when it was, let’s say “less than comfortable”, I still loved the time we have had together. Especially our midnight talks when I am sure you were wanting to do anything but listen.
I feel extremely blessed and grateful for my life right now. I can tend to get wrapped around a tree from time to time about things that don’t matter. I have also learned how amazing all that conflict really is as it teaches exactly what we need to know, if once again, we just let go. But to sit here and realize the path I have walked down to get here, I just simply can’t put into words what you blessing us with your life means to me.
I am so extremely honored to get to be next to you and feel the energy of who you are. To know how close you are to Source and how you chose us to, in essence, pull you away from Source again to let you have that chance to come back to it. I just can’t quite grasp all of that but I know you can and I want to thank you for it, right now. I truly can’t wait to see what you are going to do in this world. I have felt from the beginning that you have an extremely strong and spiritual soul and I just feel like you have something to share with the world. I am so happy that I will get to see it!
I can’t wait to feel your sweet little heart against mine and to see your dad’s face as he holds you for the first time. I can’t wait to look at you and know what we are going to name you finally! LOL! I can’t wait to see the face of Lilli when your dad brings her in and she gets to see you for the first time. It will be beyond beautiful. Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.
No matter what, today is a day I will never forget. For in this moment, now at 4:05 am, I feel like I am at peace with everything I am and everything I have learned. I feel truly happy in knowing that no matter what my worries are and no matter what I still have to “figure out” (which is absolutely nothing by the way…just an FYI if I forget later, you should remind me…J) I know right now that the universe has made no mistake putting me where I am and I can feel the magnificence of what is about to be, what already is, and what has been. I am eternally grateful for every last morsel of it.
Happy Birthday, my little one. Soon enough, I will be able to look into your eyes and tell you that. I can’t even imagine what you will be telling me.
All my love,
Mom
Mom
