COM-PAS’SION-A-BLE, a. Deserving of pity
The standard definitions above and a good number of people would say that to demonstrate compassion you put yourself in a sufferers shoes, comfort them, truly try to understand and most importantly FEEL what they feel.
I absolutely disagree.
True compassion is NOT joining in someone’s story or pain. Compassion does not believe that they are truly in pain. It lies in seeing them without that pain; seeing them as the person without those beliefs about themselves. That is the only place love can enter.
Byron Katie, one of my favorite mentors and teachers, speaks at length about compassion and our beliefs about it. Basically, my beliefs have formulated into that true and real compassion comes when you don’t have a story anymore about someone’s pain or plight. When we ourselves are truly free, we don’t see anything that happens as a mistake. True love and real compassion can only abound when we choose NOT to join someone in their misery. This is key.
Genuine compassion looks like what you are inspired into action with that situation or person but only after you have refused to believe that they are truly in pain. In fact, the compassion that comes from an aligned soul, which refuses to believe in the story someone is telling, is exponentially more powerful than someone saying, “I know how you feel” and feeling their pain right along with them.
For example, if I have a friend who is in pain, my idea of compassion is again, NOT believing their pain. My compassion comes from seeing them as only LOVE can see them, which is confused by a belief that they think is painful. We all have and are confused by beliefs that we believe are painful, but the pain is never real—it is always a story that we merely attached ourselves to and now believe. The way I can be of MOST help to anyone is NOT to join them. Joining them only adds to their pain and it is not compassionate by any means. Instead of one person feeling horrible, you now have two holding and adding to that painful energy.
As a woman, I can remember times in the past when I had (dangerously) sympathized with a friend who was having a tough time in her marriage. In fact, many of her friends were empathizing and giving her a shoulder to cry on. As I look back, I don’t remember her ever benefiting from it. I believe it kept her there focused on the problem longer. I also know that it brought my energy and vibration down and I even found myself starting to (fictionally) see some flaws in my own marriage.
The point to remember in all of this is that I have NO way of understanding how anyone else feels because even if I do “join” someone and try to understand and feel their pain, I am really only understanding my OWN pain—my own story. In this regard, the only way to truly understand them is to commiserate and in turn, hurt myself. Not to mention that now this person has no one that can lead the way or help them OUT of their perceived pain. They just have two people feeling the misery and adding to the fuel that already exists.
In addition, I have no clue nor is it possible to know what is best for anyone else. They are the only one who knows and I cannot ever be in another’s mind. Any advice I might give from this “said” place of compassion where I decide to join them would be from MY place of pain, my story. Who knows where that might lead them?
My favorite part about viewing compassion in this new light is the way I feel. I feel SO much more loving when I stand with someone and see them as WHOLE and COMPLETE and with unconditional love. When I see their pain as a story that they are telling themselves at that moment and they are no different than anyone in this world.
The other magnificent and extremely powerful piece of this is that it opens up a space for this person “suffering” to heal. If I were to join them, I would close down that space because by joining them, all I can hold is the vibration of pain and misery. There is no love there because we are both focused on the negative. By stepping back and seeing them as without pain but with a story, they start to see it that way too. They go back inside to themselves for the answer (which is where all the true answers are) and find the real peace they are looking for. Empathizing with them could absolutely NEVER give them the love and peace they will find when they choose to stop believing the story and see that they are nothing but love.
Have you ever tried to feel horrible around someone that just didn’t agree with your opinion of the whole situation? It is extremely difficult! To illustrate a perfect example of this is a story about my 5 year old who called me from her trip abroad and was extremely upset at a minor “punishment” that had been given to her. She was in tears and completely distraught. I had recently been enlightened to this view of compassion so I chose to just listen quietly and just love her but I never once joined her in her story. I just didn’t believe her pain. I knew that it was just a belief and that she was truly okay and going to make it. She kept asking amidst her tears if I had heard what she was saying. I kept telling her, “Yes, baby, I am listening.” “But Mom, I have to clean out the car! Can’t you hear how horrible it is?” I told her I could hear her but I couldn’t feel what she was feeling. She kept trying for a few minutes and then, in a lightening flash of a moment, she dropped her story and moved on. I mean it was like she had never had a tear in her eye. She actually began a funny story about her little sister and started laughing about it extremely hard! It was a magnificent moment!
Now, I won’t say not believing her pain wasn’t difficult. From a mother’s standpoint, especially on this trip, I had NO control over what was happening to her and I could have easily (and have before) started to console her. It was on the tip of my tongue but I wanted to see what this new view of compassion might bring. Consoling her would of given the energy of agreeing that what she was going through was actually painful and I knew it wasn’t, it was only her thoughts about what she was going through that gave her pain. I held the image of her being just fine and then…she was.
I remember my feelings after this as well. The love I felt for her in that moment was amazing. It was just pure love to see her without her story. It had no control wrapped up in at all. What she felt from me was my energy of holding a picture of my beautiful little girl without her story of the pain. I knew she wasn’t who she was being in the moment. That is the energy my daughter fed off and that is the energy your loved ones will feed off of too. You have to actually believe that they are going to be okay, that the world isn’t a cruel place. You have to hold them in a vision of happiness and joy and without the pain they are feeling too. That is the only way THEY can get there.
Please understand that I don’t suggest that when you see one of your family or friends in pain and just simply walk away or even make light of where they are experiencing. It is just remembering that they are just trying to convince someone, anyone to join them in their misery. It takes an interesting strength to just be there with them, to see them as love and nothing else and they are not something to be “fixed.” That is when you can just listen.
The energy you send out when you see someone that “needs” this previous definition of compassion is that they actually need fixing. You start to identify with their pain and then give them advice. NO WONDER they stay in the pain longer, they have been receiving validation from everyone that they really ARE broken. Compassion to me is seeing everyone without any issues at all--at all. People that DON’T see my pain are the ones that I LOVE to be around. They are the ones that just exude love and see peace in everything. I almost feel healed just being in their presence. Those people are the ones that make you feel so comfortable and are the truly compassionate.
If you want to understand more about what a “story” of pain is and the most effective and amazing technique I have ever run across to release that pain, please visit www.thework.com and look into Byron Katie’s “The Work.” Also, feel free to contact me and I would love to do a free consultation and show you the power of freeing yourself from the pain that beliefs bring. I can truly attest to its power and the love you feel.
Love and light to you all…E
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