The Pinwheel Offering

Photo Credit:  Pinwheelgirls.com

I went with Lilli on her field trip this morning.  One of the things the children got to do was make pinwheels.   They colored them with markers and were beyond excited to play with them once they got outside.   Once the field trip was over, Lilli wanted to ride the big, cool bus back with her class so I drove to her school to pick her back up.  She came running across the playground with all the other kids, all holding their pinwheels, grinning from ear to ear.

As her and I started making our trek to the vehicle, she said she wanted to go to McDonalds instead of eating lunch at daycare.  I told her not today as sometimes we get to do that and sometimes we don't.  Today, I would take her to daycare and she could eat there.

She started to throw a fit and was pretty mad about it.   I tried to distract her by not responding to her anger and asked if I could see her pinwheel.  She folded her arms and said "NO, I am not going to let you see my pinwheel because I am mad at you."   This didn't seem to frustrated me too bad.  I, after all, had seen a few fits in my day and knew my little six year old was just frustrated at the circumstances.  It had nothing to do with me or so my logical mind thought.  But apparently, my subconscious was hurt or thought some sort of wrong had been done to me in some way.  Lilli actually got over her anger fairly quickly and was trying to catch up to me (for some reason, my pace had quickened) and said, "Here Mom, you can see my pinwheel now."   I calmly told her "No thank you, I am fine dear."  

She instantly felt the change in my energy.  So did I.  She started to throw a fit again and scream at the top of her lungs that she NOW wanted me to have this pinwheel!  "I am offering it to you, please take it from me!"  I kept my cool the entire time but kept telling her no and that it was okay.  My words and tone were kind and loving but for some reason, I was NOT going to take that pinwheel.  I remember thinking that she needs to learn a small lesson here.  She needs to know that she cannot throw a fit and be mean to others and expect them to just come running back.  Who is with me here?  Makes perfect sense...right?  I wasn't being the least bit mean to her.  I was even asking her other questions trying to distract her and lighten the mood a bit.  But again, I was not going to take that pinwheel.

Well, she dug her heels in and was basically broken hearted.  She was screaming and crying and could not understand why I wouldn't take her pinwheel...her offering of peace.  I took her to daycare, all the while, the saga still continued.  We got inside and she kept asking and asking for me to take it.  Why wouldn't I take it?   She and I were both wondering now.  I gave her a big hug and a kiss and told her to have a wonderful day and sent her off to play.  She was still very upset.

I drove away and my mind started to question what had just happened.  Although, I had kept my cool and thought I had done the right thing, I started to wonder why I felt so horrible.  I didn't cave in.   I was also very kind and didn't get into any kind of confrontation with her.  I didn't try to force her into anything.  I was strong.  I was teaching my daughter a valuable lesson in my mind.  So, why was my heart so heavy?

I started to rub one of my inspiration rocks (it just happen to be laying in my car) as I drove back home and....it hit me.   I had just taught her that my love for her was conditional.   I had taught her that if she got mad at me or talked back or tried to hurt my feelings that I would, in turn, deny her love.  I would still be kind but I would not let her love me.  And then the tears started.   That was not what I wanted her to know...no wonder I felt so bad.  I know deep within me that what she believes in her heart will be how she lives her life.  Conditional love would never be a belief I wanted her to carry with her.  More importantly, it wasn't a belief that I wanted to have anymore either.

So, I sat in my driveway, as I had made it home by now, and wondered what would make me feel better.  This turmoil was in me and this conflict between her and I, however small it may seem, came up for a reason...it was a gift...they are always gifts.  This beautiful reason was here now to show me that this isn't who I was anymore.  I had read a thousand books on the subject of unconditional love but this was probably the most "in your face" moment I ever had with it.  It was there, laying in my lap, wondering what I was going to do with it now.

I went inside the house and couldn't even make it up my stairs.  The voices in my head said that she was already playing and had more than likely forgotten about it already.  I could go on with my day and maybe talk to her about it later.  I, after all, had many things to do.  But luckily, my inner being (who is really getting quite strong) took over.   I didn't feel good inside and that always means my previous actions had taken me in a direction unlike who I really am.   I wanted to feel better.

When I arrived back at her daycare, just a short 5 minutes later, I walked outside to where indeed she was playing happily.  I looked at her and just waved.  She screamed "Mom!" and ran over to me and we sat on the back steps.  She jumped up on my lap and I asked her if I could look at her pinwheel.   She smiled and handed it right to me.  She said "I am sorry I hurt your feelings."  I said "You can't ever hurt my feelings, baby.  It was my choice to feel hurt.   I need you to know that I love you whether I am angry or not.  Whatever you do, I never stop loving you."   Then, she and I tried to make her somewhat  dilapidated paper pinwheel turn and giggled at its uncooperative nature for a few more minutes.  I gave her a great big hug and kiss again and felt a lightness this time that was more beautiful than words can express.   She jumped down and ran to play and have a picnic with her friends.   I drove away knowing that she had just healed a part of me that I have been trying to for more years than I can remember.   My appreciation of her in my life will always be beyond explanation.

And now, I think I am going to go buy myself a pinwheel! 

Photo Credit: Shutterstock